Heart of Light
by Boofeh
Summary: Sora's love was the only thing Kairi wanted, but it was the only thing he would not give to her.


Recently, Kairi found sleeping impossible. She would stay up, all hours of the night, doing God-knows-what, eventually passing out with the dawn and not rising until nearly noon. Gone were the sun-kissed mornings of her childhood when she would frolic with her friends on the beach. Gone was the innocence. Tonight all that remained of her was a thin body wrapped loosely in baggy blue flannel pyjamas and a frown that etched deeply into her creamy skin. Makeup could no longer hide the shadows under her eyes, and she couldn't hide her broken heart with a smile anymore.

The redhead lowered herself slowly into the swinging couch on her balcony, gripping her mug of hot chocolate. Usually Kairi forbade herself from drinking sugary crap, but she felt that she could excuse herself from it, just this once. She gently rocked the swinging couch, sipping slowly at her drink, gazing across the tropical paradise that was her home. Destiny Island, the beautiful prison. The island was enjoying the last of the cool before the harsh tropical heat of summer settled in. A fresh spring breeze brought with it the scent of the ocean, and of rain. The smell of the sea and the sky mixed together into a salty scent so thick Kairi imagined she could taste it on her tongue.

Sora hadn't meant to hurt her. Of that she was certain. And she knew he was sorry. But it didn't change how terrible she felt.

Kairi tugged one leg up onto the couch and sat on it, leaving the other trailing along the floor. The light breeze picked up, tossing a red lock into her face. She flicked it away idly, knowing that no matter how many times Sora apologized, he couldn't make things better. He couldn't fight his way through, either - his Keyblade was useless in this situation. No gift would repair her mood, nor would any outing to the beach. No matter what Sora did to make Kairi feel better, he was just as helpless as she had always felt.

Sora's love was the only thing Kairi wanted, but it was the only thing he would not give to her.

Kairi sniffled.

Distracting herself, she sipped at her drink again, only to recoil with disgust – at some point an ant had crawled into her mug, and she watched it splash about helplessly. Immediately grossed out, she spat her mouthful back into the mug and slammed it down onto the table next to her chair. Then, with a sigh of defeat, she scooped out the drowning ant with a single finger and flicked it into the darkness. It would have been cruel to let it drown in her hot chocolate, even if she didn't want to drink it anymore. She huffed to herself, realizing that she had only gotten about halfway through it – did she deserve another one? They _were_ pretty sugary, after all.

With a groan, she swore internally and heaved herself off the seat. A mug and a half of hot chocolate wouldn't kill her.

The process of making herself another cup was a blissful distraction, but when she was comfy in her swinging couch again she couldn't help but dwell on that afternoon before.

_When it began, Kairi was sitting in the shaded cubby house on the play island, weaving a beautiful necklace out of pink and blue seashells. She planned to give it to her friend Selphie for her upcoming sixteenth birthday, but she really liked how it was turning out. She was just contemplating making herself a matching one when a voice rang out._

"_Hey, Kairi!"_

_Kairi looked up and saw her best friend Sora clambering up the ladder. His sudden, unexpected appearance sent her heart fluttering, her cheeks burning and her knees threatening to give out on her. Once she had herself under control, she was rather amused that Sora always had that effect on her, no matter how often she saw him._

"_Hi Sora. What's up?" She smiled in the prettiest way she knew how. She stood up slowly._

_Sora skidded to a halt, his award-winning idiotic grin fixed firmly on his face. He had been climbing rather quickly, but was not out of breath in the slightest. Kairi was slightly envious – she herself was embarrassingly unfit. "Kairi, I found the coolest thing on the beach. You _have_ to come see this!"_

_Even though Sora had turned sixteen the week before, he was as excitable as he had been at the age of nine, and he grabbed Kairi's wrist and attempted to drag her along. But he just as suddenly dropped her wrist – his face glowed pink with embarrassment. Kairi noticed that her wrist was coated with a fine layer of sand where he had touched her. She gently brushed it away._

"_Sorry." He mumbled. Kairi just smiled knowingly._

_As they strolled towards the beach at a leisurely pace, Kairi pondered over Sora grabbing her wrist and then dropping it just as quickly. Could it be that he had been caught up in the moment, only to suddenly remember that best friends weren't supposed to hold hands? She hoped so. And she dared to hope that she might change that 'no hand holding' rule sometime soon. As soon as her courage would allow._

_When they reached the beach, Sora led her to the small stone wall that separated the fresh water spring from the sand. At the base of the wall somebody had dug out a section of sand, revealing the wall went down a lot further than Kairi had ever noticed. Sora dropped to his hands and knees in front of the excavation and gestured for Kairi to do the same. She noticed the sand caking his fingers and gloves, and at once knew who had been digging about. She knelt down next to her friend._

_Sora pointed at a particular stone, about the size of an A5 notebook. Kairi squinted at it, not noticing what was special about it. But when Sora moved his hand away and the light reached the stone, she suddenly saw what was so special about it. The stone had a star-shaped indent, about the size of her outstretched hand, and she could just see the impressions of three leaves at the tips of the star. She grinned._

"_It's a fossilized paopu fruit!"_

_Sora nodded. "So cool, huh?"_

_Kairi looked a bit closer at the tips of the star that did not have leaves. Tracing a pale finger gently along the indent, she noticed that the tips that did not have stars did not have tips at all – both edges had been broken away roughly a few centimetres from the end._

"_Look, Sora, those parts there are missing."_

_Sora leaned in closer, and Kairi could smell his shampoo. So fruity and sweet. She leaned a little closer to him subconsciously._

"_Huh, I didn't notice that before." He mused. "It looks almost like someone's taken a bite out of each end."_

"_Or two people?"_

_Sora grinned, still examining the fossil. "Like the legend."_

_He sat back onto his feet, and Kairi realized with a jolt just how close they really were. Sora was still preoccupied with the fossil and didn't look her way, but Kairi could see each of his eyelashes with astounding clarity. "Fossils – they're beautiful, aren't they?" Sora mumbled._

_Kairi nodded gently. "Two destinies intertwined for eternity. You'd get less for murder."_

_Although she giggled, Sora didn't stir. He just stared at the fossil with a faraway gaze._

"_Sora? What's wrong?"_

_Sora shook his head slightly. "It's just something Xemnas mentioned, right at the end. He said nothing is eternal."_

_Kairi leaned back a little, not quite sure what to do. Ever since returning from his journey, Sora had sometimes gotten into funny moods. He still bore burdens, and sometimes he couldn't hide them._

"_I just-" He began, but stopped when his voice cracked. "I just… I can see it so clearly. A Body. A Skeleton. Then nothing but a fossil. Then it's gone too, just crumbling into dust."_

"_Sora?"_

"_Nothing lasts forever. One day you and me and Riku will be gone, and there'll be no proof we were ever here."_

_Kairi touched his arm lightly, and he blinked forcefully, eyes darting away from her. "Sorry." He mumbled, eyeing his knees._

_Kairi shrugged. "It's not your fault."_

_Sora smiled at her, but the sadness still glinted in his eyes. "You're a lifesaver, Kairi." He patted her shoulder in a friendly fashion. "Where would I be without you?"_

_Kairi felt her hand touching his forearm, and his other hand touching her shoulder. She felt electricity coursing through his skin, fire travelling through her nerves. His eyes met hers and she knew that it was the right time._

_She had to tell him how she felt._

"_Sora, I like you."_

_Sora's eyebrows rose, but otherwise he didn't move._

"_A lot." She giggled nervously._

_Sora's smile dropped a little._

"_You do?"_

It's just the shock,_ her mind told her._

"_I do."_

_Sora's hand fell away from her shoulder as he stood up._

"_I… erm, that is… I don't really know what to say." He mumbled. Kairi stared up at him, just as confused as he._

Tell me you like me too? That you love me? That you'll be with me forever?

"_You don't have to say anything, Sora." She said. _

"_No. No, I really do." Sora stuttered. As the initial shock wore off, Kairi watched with increasing alarm as Sora's face scrunched up with worry and fear. _

_No. No no no. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen._

_Kairi stood up, not bothering to brush away the sand that had dug into her shins. Sora rubbed his red cheeks in a stressed motion. His blue eyes darted around quickly, nervously._

"_I don't like you as anything more than a sister, Kairi." Sora admitted shamefully._

_Kairi could feel her heart skip a beat._

"_You're beautiful and smart and hilarious and all of those great things, but you're like my sister." Sora rambled, flicking at his belt buckle. He spoke so fast that she could barely understand him. "I mean, I really did used to like you, but then all that stuff happened and I saw so many worlds and met so many people and I'm just not the same person anymore, y'know? I'm so sorry but -"_

"_Sora. Calm down."_

_Sora fell silent. Kairi felt her cheeks burn, her heart dropping into her stomach, the tears welling up beneath her eyes._

"_It's okay."_

_Sora sighed. "It isn't. I haven't been totally honest with you."_

_Kairi quirked an eyebrow at him. Perhaps all was not lost. She felt a tiny flame of hope flicker in her chest._

_Sora scuffed his feet in the sand. "I've kept this quiet because a lot of people won't understand, but I'm gonna tell you because you're my best friend and I trust you."_

_Kairi nodded. Her heart hammered in her chest, but her face was calm. The tiny flicker of hope spread into a forest fire, burning her alive._

"_For about a month now I've been with Riku."_

_And all hope died._

Kairi scoffed to herself as she sat on her swinging couch on her balcony, feeling the cool breeze tickle her skin. Of course Sora was with Riku, how had she not seen it before? Ever since they'd returned to the island, they'd been rather… _clingy. _Of course, there had always been a gender gap between the three of them and Kairi had always felt like a bit of a third wheel, but she had never noticed the way they looked at each other recently. She hadn't seen them innocently and accidentally touching each other much more often than they should have. She'd turned a blind eye the time she had walked in on them with their faces inches apart. She'd either not noticed or blocked it all out. She had been totally ignorant.

The mug in her hands had gone cold. She sighed as she noticed she'd only gotten halfway through this one, too. Defeated, she abandoned it on the table again.

It made _sense_, really. Sora had held the weight of the words on his shoulders and she hadn't been able to do a thing to help him. She had slept while he explored the worlds and saved her life. Then she was trapped at home while he was attempting to round up Riku. She had never done a damned thing to help him with his burden, but Riku was always there for him.

Riku had guarded Sora while he was asleep. Riku had faced the darkness and lost, all so Sora could awaken. And then when he was needed the most, Riku had returned to Sora's side. For the last year of his life, Sora had spent every waking second worrying about Riku - wondering if he was still alive and travelling to the ends of the universe and back looking for him. When he was asleep, he had dreamed of Riku. Kairi frowned bitterly as she digested that fact – While she was safe at home, worrying over both of her friends, Sora had completely forgotten her.

She laughed bitterly as she remembered her reunion with Sora. He hadn't seen her for just as long as he hadn't seen Riku, but when he met her again he accepted an awkward hug. When he realized that Riku was before him, alive and safe, he was moved to tears and unable to stand.

Annoyed, Kairi stood and strolled over to the rail. Leaning on it slightly, her hair caught in the breeze and flickered around her. Wasn't she beautiful enough? Was it that she was too thin, or too weak? Too stupid? Too loud? Was Sora sick of her being a burden? Perhaps he resented her for something. Something she'd done? Something she'd said? For the first time since that afternoon, a tear tumbled down her cheek.

She swore aloud, wiping her face on her sleeve. She'd promised herself not to cry. And she'd been doing so well, too. Her disappointment was suddenly overwhelming, and there were more tears than she could wipe away. She couldn't remember crying this much since her first night with her foster father, when she'd been crying for someone she couldn't remember anymore. Crying because she was lost and scared and alone.

And now, ten years later, she was still lost, scared and alone.

Kairi had never been an angry person. At first she had never noticed it, but when she was told that she was a princess of heart and had no darkness in her, it just made sense. She was assertive, but never angry over anything. But as she stood there, on that dark balcony, her sadness turned to anger for the first time in her life.

Why shouldn't she be mad? Sora had led her on. Made her believe that she wasn't weak and useless. Made her feel good about herself for the first time in forever. But every time he'd smiled at her, Riku had been in his mind. Every night when he went home alone, he had longed for Riku. He'd never loved her in the way she had loved him. The tears ceased. For a second, she felt an intense hatred towards both Sora and Riku. How dare they leave her behind? How _dare_ they leave her on this island to rot while they both saw things she could never imagine?

Her fingernails dug into the wood of the rail. Her grip increased with her anger, and before she knew it her long fingernails were broken and bloody. But Kairi didn't feel the pain – all she could feel was an intense burning sensation throughout her body. Her pretty face twisted into an ugly snarl even as her fingers became more mangled. With a sudden intensity, she turned and snatched the half full mug of cold chocolate, flinging the drink everywhere, and hurled the cup down into the darkness below. A rather satisfying shattering noise resulted.

Stupid Sora. Ridiculous Riku. She hated them. She _hated _them with every cell in her body, with every strand of her DNA. Where did Sora get off telling her she couldn't look for Riku with him because she'd get in the way? Sora wasn't always strong, he hadn't always known magic spells. He learned it all, gained every experience on the fly, on the road, running through the worlds and making it up as he went along. How _dare _he suggest Kairi was not capable of picking up on it too?

And Axel. Kairi spat into the darkness on an impulse when she remembered his tattooed face. He was no better than her 'friends' – treated her like a pawn on a chess board, kidnapping her and treating her like she was just an object in order to get to Sora. That disgusting Organization, keeping her locked up like some kind of animal. And all to annoy Sora.

She laughed mockingly. They had all gotten it wrong – she wasn't the one Sora loved most. If they'd so much as kicked a bit of dirt in Riku's direction Sora would have died of a heart attack. Sora didn't care about her at all.

In a rage now, Kairi stomped into her room in search of something else to break. But she stopped dead when she glanced across the floor-length mirror – instead of her own reflection, she saw a blonde girl with blue eyes and a white dress.

"Naminé." Kairi breathed.

Naminé stared at her, eyes full of pity. Her mouth twisted into a kind of lopsided frown.

Kairi approached the mirror slowly, and each step she took was mirrored by her Nobody. Slowly, delicately, she reached out to touch the mirror. And in unison, Naminé reached out too. Kairi touched the cold glass, expecting to feel the warm fingers of her Nobody, but instead just felt the cold glass.

Naminé's mouth moved, but no sounds came out. Instead, Kairi heard a distant voice in her head, as if receiving a weak radio signal.

_You have let darkness into your heart._

Kairi was a little stunned. Darkness was something that could be voluntarily let in? But the shock was very quickly replaced with anger. What's so great about having a heart of pure light, anyway? If it meant that she had to sit at home all the time and be useless, Kairi decided that she didn't want to be a princess of heart anymore.

_Darkness spreads quickly, consuming all. You've got to calm down._

Kairi snatched her hand away from the mirror. Naminé's hand remained where it had been.

"Don't tell me what to do." She snapped at her reflection.

_Kairi, Sora and Riku need you to be their guiding light, even if you don't think they do._

"Nobody needs me." She hissed. "I'm useless."

Naminé's eyes were pleading. Her frown did not move, but Kairi heard her voice clearer than before.

_I need you._

At once, Kairi felt her rage ebb away. Her eyes prickled and burned, but she couldn't muster the energy to cry again. Her hand fell against the mirror with a smack.

"I'm not good enough for anybody. You saw it all happen."

_If you can't be good enough for anybody else, you can be good enough for yourself._

Tears welled in Kairi's eyes as the defeat and fatigue set in.

"But I'm not good enough for me."

As if the mirror melted away, Kairi could quite suddenly feel the warmth of Naminé's palm through the thin glass.

_You're good enough for me._

"But we're the same person."

_Exactly._

The glass between them was gone. Naminé's fingers laced through Kairi's.

_You are not alone._

-x-

**A/N: Yay, more pro-single propaganda! Because people need to learn that feeling good about yourself is probably one of the greatest things you can do.**

**I quite like Kairi, but it seems almost like the creators of the game don't. That 'heart of pure light' business just doesn't fly.**


End file.
